I’m feeling Esther Sophia flutter-kick and hiccup in my
belly--gentle reminders that baby’s growing strong, and yesterday 3-year-old
Isaiah lay his head on my belly, hoping to feel sister flutter-kick. He’d lift
his head saying: “I hear her talking, mama! I hear her!” grey eyes wide with
wonder. And then he’d lay his blond head on my belly again and listen and laugh
saying, “She tooted. I heard her in there!” And we’d giggle together at the
wonder-beauty of living baby rolling in belly.
“From His Fullness we have all received Grace upon Grace.”
And this is Grace—the
wonder-beauty of baby sister kicking strong in taut, round belly.
But even though I feel the wonder of God’s Grace today, see it ripple-wave across my
belly, I still doubt that I’ll know
Grace, experience Grace, tomorrow, next
week, next year.
Which is why I fear change, risk, uncertainty. I fear Grace
won’t follow me into the dark unknown of tomorrow.
Why—when I see
evidence of Grace in the Now—does this heart of mine doubt I’ll see Grace in tomorrow?!
Why do I follow in
the foot-steps of Thomas-the-Doubter, saying: “I’ll believe Grace when I
can touch it, see it, smell it!”
Thomas witnessed--“the Word became flesh and dwelt among
us,” –he saw Jesus-the-Christ in living, breathing flesh. He watched him turn
water into wine, walk on water, and raise the dead to life.
Yet, when God in the Flesh did the very thing he
predicted—died for ALL—Thomas-the-Doubter thought DEATH too great a thing for
God-in-the-Flesh to overcome.
And like Thomas, even though I see Grace in the Now—tiny
baby rolling in my belly, three boys sword-slashing in the living room, husband
bringing me another cup of coffee—I doubt God’s Grace to sustain all this
wonder-beauty in tomorrow . . . .
I’ve realized: this foolish-sinful heart DOUBTS God’s
promise to pour out “Grace upon Grace” because my Fear of Loss is stronger than my Faith.
And I’m taking Jon Bloom’s (theologian/writer for Desiring God) advice to
doubters:
“Don’t be content to just tell Jesus
how you’re struggling. Repent! Call doubt what it is: a distrust of God. Repentance
has amazing power to break the spell of a sin weight. . . and Soak in the
Gospel according to John: 'These are written so that you may believe that Jesus
is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his
name' (John
20:31). The whole book is about believing.” (Read Jon Bloom's article Lay Aside the Weight of Doubt)
In John’s gospel, Jesus does Grace-miracle after Grace-miracle
and asks: “Do you believe? . . . Do you now
believe?” and in response to God-in-the-flesh
miracles, “many believe him!”
I long to be among those who believe “with no doubting, for the one who
doubts is like a wave of the sea, that is driven and tossed by the wind. .
. a double-minded [woman], unstable in
all [her] ways.” (James 1).
I long to rest in the belief that God WILL DO as he
promises—pour out Grace today and tomorrow and next year.
And this is my prayer, that I will replace Doubt with
lived-out-Faith in God as I soak in his Life-Giving-Promises and see and savor his Grace in the every-day-miracle of
my little Esther’s flutter-kicks and so much more . . . .
